The number 4 represents stability, practical attainment, and dependability.  It represents manifesting plans into reality; making your dreams come true.  Wands are usually associated with the element of fire, inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the "spark of life".  They can refer to the growth and awareness of the self.  Wands are focused on discovering your true self, apart from others.  

"You are taking action based on your view of yourself.  On a personal level, you have clearly defined who you want to be.  Now, you're creating that self.  No one else may see it but you know you are taking definite steps toward becoming the new you and manifesting your chosen self-image." - Gail Fairfield

This is an interesting question, especially in light of current concerns about the environment, non-renewable resources and our "carbon footprint".  I have to admit that I do not get myself all worked about it.  I am a firm believer that the planet will outlive humanity, unless we manage to blow it up first.  If the environment continues to change either because of global warming or other conditions, then a shift will occur and humanity will find that it's difficult for us to survive here.  Or we'll mutate to enable us to live in whatever environment we end up creating.  Quite frankly I've reached a point where I realize that overpopulation and over-consumption are our biggest problems.  I'm not pointing figures anywhere but the reality is that there is a limit to how much humans can negatively impact the environment because we simply become like intelligent locusts - feasting on what's available and then moving on.  Of course the reality is that at this point there is no place for us to move.

I certainly do try to contribute to reducing my impact on the world.  I recycle, take mass transit whenever possible and I prefer eating food grown or produced locally.  I am also no a typical conspicuous consumer.  I rarely throw things away unless they have become completely useless.  I love the history that accompanies thinks like the Revere Ware pots my mom-in-law passed on to me.  Could I do more?  Probably.  However I think that the most important thing I've done - and one that ties in with this card, is my child-free state.  

Many years ago, when I was very young, I realized that I did not want children.  I just don't think it's in my nature to be the kind of mother I would want to be.  But my reasons are irrelevant.  My husband and I have been married for 24 years and have no children.  We both have a fondness and affinity for older, well-loved things.  We'd prefer to have a car that is 30 years old and still runs than upgrade to a new model every few years.  The bottom line is that I do not over-consume anything.  I admit that I consume my share - some times I might consume more and other less.  But I would vehemently deny that I over-consume.  Well, I guess that's not entirely accurate.  As a resident of a nation that is notorious for over-consumption I guess what I should say is that I'm no worse than most other Americans.  However I'm sure I consume more than many people living in countries with a less industrialized, computerized and car-centric culture.  Of course it doesn't hurt to be a bit more conscious about my choices and try to reduce the impact I have on the environment.  I'll probably never be an environmentalist but I want to do my part.  Instead of treating the world as if it's a big party that I don't have to clean up after, I need to be a bit more centered and focused about the issue. 

Traditionally the Emperor is seen as representing authority and rulership, the stability and solidness needed to build a civilization.  It symbolizes the traditional power structure in modern, patriarchal society.  This card is the 4th Trump of the Major Arcana.  Four symbolizes earthly reality, basic structure and orientation, and stability - think of the 4 seasons, 4 directions and 4 elements of earth, air, fire and water.  

"Negative:  You're giving up too much of your own freedom or power in order to identify with a (seemingly) more powerful force.  You're losing your separateness and that is a problem for you.  You won't personally be satisfied if you identify with this power structure.
Reversed:  One part of your personality, one need, desire, or drive controls or dominates the rest of you.  This could be an emotion, attitude, belief, or philosophy which overrides everything else in your life and completely dictates and directs your actions, successes, and failures." - Gail Fairfield

I really had to laugh when I drew this card.  Most of my life - both personally and professionally, I have a negative knee-jerk reaction to authority.  I almost always have to defy it, thumb my nose at it or mock it.  It can sometimes become a problem when dealing with supervisors, especially male ones.  Part of my problem is that I don't automatically grant respect to someone because of their title.  I've seen experienced enough to know that sometimes the people in command managed to attain their position through luck, personality or determination.  They may not necessarily be the most qualified person for the job.  As a result I tend to have a "show me" attitude about it.  

When I considered the question, what occurred to me is that what motives my lifestyle is a desire to turn The Emperor on his head; to transform and change the perceptions and rules about who deserves power and authority.  At the same time I understand enough about myself to know that on some level I want to be the boss.  I want to have power and authority but I don't want to acquire it through the same old route.  I don't want to become like the authority figures I've struggled against over the years.  I do not want to be an autocrat.  I want to be able to listen to other people's opinions and input and modify my decisions based on them.  

Of course I'm not there yet.  It's one of the reasons I rarely put myself out there as an authority.  I'm still a bit too sensitive about challenges.  Hell, I realize that I am a solitary Druid because I like performing rituals I've written and don't want to follow someone else's directions.  I can deal with someone providing me a framework or outline that I have to follow but I want to fill in my own blanks.  Who knows, I may never actually become an authority figure and that's okay with me.  I'd rather never have that kind of power and control than become like the ones I've met.  In some ways I'm like the archetypal child stating "You're not the boss of me".  Of course I'm not stupid, I know that there are times in my life when I will need to bow to authority, work with authority and even accept the authority.  That is how life goes.  However I know that I will never blindly follow authority.  There might have been a time in my life when I could have done that but the older I get and the more I learn, the less likely I am to accept the response "because I'm the boss" as enough 

The World represents completeness, wholeness, reaching a point where you have achieved all that you desired, reaching the pinnacle of success, and having fully integrated all aspects of your personality and life.  It can symbolize a sense of oneness with others or the world around you; fulfillment on spiritual and emotional levels; dancing through life, refusing to give in to despair or negativity.  It may also represent finally realizing your meaning and purpose in life and being confident that you can achieve it.

"Negative:  You have too many choices before you.  The complexity of your life is overwhelming and it isn't going to do you any good to stay in the midst of the confusion.  You are keeping too many options open when you should be simplifying things and narrowing your choices.  Multiplicity is not to your advantage at the moment.
Reversed:  You have numerous possibilities available within your own being.  You can be many selves and experience many levels of reality.  You may even move in and out of various lives and various realities - at your will.  You are aware that the Universe is a complex place and you are experiencing its multiple dimensions within your own consciousness." - Gail Fairfield

Hmph, my first response when I saw this card was a rather flippant - of course, my whole world needs works.  Upon further consideration I realized that it was interesting that each card showed someone in the air.  On the Dance of Life card a figure is flying over a landscape as through surveying all the worlds at her command.  On the Victorian Romantic card, a young woman holding a basket overflowing with flowers is hanging mid-air as though she jumped up and managed to get caught and upheld by invisible hands.  The is an exuberance and joy in the image; she literally seems to be jumping for joy.

Of course it's reversed in my case but I'm not seeing this as a negative.  I do believe Gail Fairfield's statement that one negative aspect of this card could be that one's life is overwhelming is certainly appropriate in my life right now.  I do need to narrow options and simplify.  At the same time I think this card is telling me that now might be a good time to seriously explore all of those possibilities.

I remember participating in a workshop at a Readers Studio one year and the exercise required that we choose a Tarot card that we usually consider a positive card and consider its negative aspects.  My partner's card was The World and he genuinely seemed puzzled about how there could be anything negative in The World.  So we discussed how feeling as though one has the weight of the world on one's shoulders could be negative.  Or that is one believes he or she already has The World at his/her feet then they might not feel the need to continue trying to reach new goals and achieve new conquests.  

Right now both of those aspects are manifesting in my life.  Personal and family obligations do occasionally become overwhelming and seem insurmountable.  I'm trying not to lose myself in sorrow, grief or frustration, although there are days when that's just no possible.  On the positive side, some of these current obligations and experiences have shown me that there are a lot of things that I had previously considered essential in my life but I've now come to realize they were distractions.  They didn't enrich my life in meaningful ways, simply distracted me from understanding that reality.  It doesn't mean I'm going to get rid of all my possessions and become an aesthetic but it will make me consider all future distractions.  

I think what needs hard work right now is figuring which of my selves and which realities I want to pursue.  I don't feel the need to narrow it to just one option because I don't want to but at the same time infinite possibilities just create confusion and provide additional distractions.  I need to learn how to view my kingdom and see what areas need additional work, what needs to be demolished and what needs to be enjoyed more.

Twos symbolize formation, balance, partnership, polarity and the coming together of opposites.  Twos can indicate that the focus can no longer be only on oneself; that there is another factor influencing the situation.  They represent the affirmation and confirmation of new directions that were begun at the Ace level.  Wands are usually associated with the element of fire, inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the "spark of life".  

"Claiming and validating yourself; saying "yes" to a new role that you've definitely decided to play perhaps after comparing and contrasting it with other possibilities; naming the new identity and claiming it for your own." - Gail Fairfield

How ironic that the combination of the two images so closely represents joy to me.  On the Osho Zen card there is an eagle soaring above a fiery, brilliant landscape.  It reminds me of the fabulous scenery often shown in images from the American Southwest - earth tones combined with rich purples and brilliant oranges.  The image on the Victoria Regina card shows a woman holding two old-fashioned fountain pens.  If I had to consider what brings joy into my life - other than family and friends, I'd have to say it's always been writing.  I don't write as often as I'd like but when I do I seem to slip into a zone, a different space.  And when I'm finished and come back to regular space and time I am sometimes surprised at what I've written.  It often feels as though it was written by someone else.

Writing is the one creative outlet I have.  It's the one area that I consider myself something of an artisan.  I have never felt that I could necessarily be a professional write, in fact I'm not sure I want to be.  However it is something I enjoy and that I miss when I don't engage in honing this skill.  It is one of the reasons I enjoy writing my daily Tarot card essays.  Whether anyone actually reads them or gains any insights from them, I get a sense of fulfillment and joy in writing them.  

This is a wakeup call for me.  It's a reminder that in order to keep my creative juices flowing.  In fact it might be a reminder that I really need to get back into working my way through The Artist's Way.  It's one of those books that I've started and stopped numerous times over the time I've had the book.  I know that it will be beneficial but I just get lazy and slack off.  I think I need to make a commitment to myself that I will complete the process of working my way through this book, as well as a few other projects I've been putting off.  Joy doesn't just happen, we have to work to keep joy alive in our lives.  Joy needs care and attention as much as anything we wish to keep in our lives - relationships, our health and even out wits.  If we don't tend and care for them on a regular basis they may atrophy and die.  I don't want joy to die in my life.

Which of your skills needs to be honed at this time?  Knight of Rainbows/Coins (Osho Zen & Victoria Regina)

The Knight of Pentacles can represent a focus that is too narrow; the need to develop greater breadth of vision; experimenting with imaginative problem-solving techniques; lethargy, lack of discipline; inability to make plans, limited vision; irresponsibility, especially when it comes to carrying out assignments.  Knights symbolize protection, strength, ambition and questing.  Pentacles are associated with the material world, acquisitions of wealth and possessions, our connection to Earth and Nature, sensation, matters pertaining to the physical plane and the element of earth. Pentacles can also be connected with practicality, groundedness and being realistic.  

"You are focusing so hard on establishing security that nothing else seems relevant.  You may seem like a workaholic.  You are putting all your energy into your home, career, physical body, or financial affairs.  You are feeling that you need to work hard right now, with few distractions." - Gail Fairfield

I love the Knight of Rainbows - a turtle; Mr. Slow and Steady.  How appropriate and what a wonderfully creative way to express the meaning of this card.  It is so easy to underestimate the turtle and yet his persistence and determination enable him to achieve victory despite those who seem smarter and faster.  Even Bugs Bunny, king of the smart asses, couldn't defeat the turtle.  

I met a friend for lunch today and right next store was a store selling pearls and beads.  On display in its front window was a large tank full of turtles.  We spent several minutes just watching them.  Some were splashing in the water while others perched on various statues and rock formations that dotted the tank.  I was amazed by their ability to stand so still that it was almost impossible to tell the live turtles from the statues.  They exuded such a peaceful, calm and almost Zen quality that I found myself enthralled.

Considering that this is almost the complete opposite of my usual approach to life, I think there is quite a lesson for me here.  Slowing down and being more deliberate in my actions and behaviors gives them an intensity that is different from my usual approach but no less deep.

The Chariot symbolizes being totally in tune with a fast-moving process or event; aware of the tolerances and limitations of the situation and understanding instinctively how to act and react in order to direct or affect movement from within.  It can be about immersing yourself in the situation so you can exert control over it and direct its course.  The more immersed you are in the transition or growth process, the more involved you are with the energies and harmonies of the change, the better you'll be able to see and direct them.

"Positive:  Events are moving quickly but you understand the situation well enough to know, instinctively, how to act or react.  you know how to handle yourself within the situation, so go ahead and immerse yourself in the current transition or growth process.  The more you are involved with the energies and harmonies of the changes, the better you'll be able to use and direct them.
Upright:  You are in a situation where transition is occurring at an amazing rate.  You are completely involved and attuned to the fast pace of the changes that are happening in your relationship, home, career or worldly situation.  You sensitively shift, balance, and react to participate in keeping things moving." - Gail Fairfield

Interesting that I drew this card in response to this question.  The Osho Zen card looks like someone is cutting their way through a veil.  As though I'm releasing myself from something that's been preventing me from seeing reality.  Perhaps the reality is that I have never considered myself to be an especially hospitable person.  I usually see myself as too much of a hermit.  However when I look at what I actually do as opposed to what I believe, that isn't the case.  

I do like welcoming people to my home and entertaining them.  I do like being around people, although I do go through periods of solitude.  I suppose the focus of this question is not so much whether I physically welcome people into my home but how do I feel about them.  Do I honor them and value them in my life?  That is different.  It can be easy to host people in one's home without actually feeling a sense of welcome and hospitality.  You may tolerate the presence of these people in your home but you don't really welcome them.  I've had experiences like that - both as a host and as a guest.  It creates an awkward and uncomfortable feeling - such as when you have to attend the office Christmas party even though you'd prefer to be somewhere else.

In response to this question I would have to say that I do practice hospitality of spirit but I am not necessarily consistent or conscious about it.  I think this card is trying to remind me to be more focused and conscious in how I practice hospitality of spirit.  I need to make sure that I'm when I have visitors to my home I am genuinely welcoming and hospitable, not just going through the motions.  Hospitality has always been considered a virtue among the Irish.  If a guest is not treated with hospitality it brings shame on the house and the hosts.  In fact it is one of the requirements of ADF that anyone working on the Dedicant Program complete an essay about what this virtue means to them.  

The Moon often symbolizes our unconscious mind and inner self.   It can herald a time of inner transformation, initiation or awareness.  The Moon is connected with the night and dreams.  It is the gateway of the soul representing the tides of emotion and consciousness.  It is the primal source of intuition and initiation.  The Moon is the 18th Trump card of the Major Arcana.  18 reduces down to 9 (1+8=9) which is a mathematically magical number - its square root is three and the sum of any number multiplied by nine equals nine when added together (e.g.. 9 x 8 = 72, 7 + 2 = 9).  The Moon is often a card of intuition, mystery, magick and inner consciousness.  It symbolizes a need for introspection; listening to the voice within but doing with a wary approach so that you are truly heeding your inner wisdom and not following false desires or illusions.  

"Negative:  You're expecting a thunderbolt or dramatic flash of intuition to be your guide.  You're looking so hard for a symbol, sign or omen that you aren't taking the practical, logical steps that you could take.  You need to be thinking things out for yourself, not just depending on cosmic intervention or rescue.  You're abdicating responsibility for taking control of your life and expecting something else to tell you what to do.
Reversed:  The Moon's guidance is coming from within you.  you are listening to your dreams, mediations, hunches, or inner voice for illumination."

Looking at these cards I was immediately struck by the concept of the Underworld portrayed on the Dance of Life card.  In mythology, the Underworld is often described as a place where seekers go to gather information and face the darkness within themselves.  The Victorian Romantic Moon card shows a woman garbed in gauzy garments of blues and deep purples.  She sits amidst a stone wall next to a river or waterfall.  The nighttime sky is moonless but there is a crescent moon visible on her forehead.  She is pale, luminous and seems sad.  Perhaps she misses the moon's light in the evening sky.

So looking at these cards I wondered what hides in the darkness of the Underworld that I have not face?  What illusions am I clinging to?  When I read Gail Fairfield's commentary on this card I was struck by a thunderbolt of insight.  I have been waiting and magically wishing for the perfect job to come along.  I kept hoping that a fairy godmother would wander along and grant my wish for the perfect job.  It woud be wonderful if that happened but it's not especially helpful or practical.  If I want to find my way through this dark time and find a job that will allow me to express my inner self and dreams then I need to take some practical steps to achieve that dream.  Instead of wallowing in the waters of full illusions and wishful thinking, i need to make plans and take responsibility for changing this situation.  Rather than clinging to delusions and false hope, I need to find the light and bring myself up from the underworld.  To continue wandering in that darkness will surve no useful purpose.

At the same time I don't want to lose the magic and hopeful promise of finding my dream job; of finding a way to follow my own inner wisdom and listen to my inner voice.  I want to make a different and maybe help others find their way out of the darkness and through the Underworld.  It might not be easy but I'll never get anywhere if I don't make some sort of plan, a strategy.  Wandering through the Underworld without some sort of map is just a recipe for failure, and I just hate failing.

The Hierophant traditionally represents the connection between humans and the divine, the teacher of hidden knowledge, spiritual beliefs, organized religion, moral growth and development. Here we have a symbol of tradition and moral authority. The Hierophant can be seen as representing formal, organized religious and moral beliefs and attitudes, education and the principle of teaching and learning.  

Positive:  You're establishing a relationships with a philosophy that can really lead and direct your life.  It's a good idea to go ahead and take responsibility for behaving in accordance with this ethical system.  You can assume leadership since you are loyal to your ideals and accountable for your actions.
Upright:  You are involved with a group or another person because of your shared philosophy, common goals, or social orientation.  You may have a sense of connectedness with a family, lover, church, political group, spiritual group, or whatever.  You feel loyalty toward these others and choose to live in accordance with the beliefs that you share with them.  You may even have  a position of leadership within the group.  The group acts as your inspiration, encouraging you to truly live up to your beliefs.  It may also act as your judge, letting you know when you're off track." - Gail Fairfield

Once again I am amazed, inspired and even a bit frightened by the accuracy of this card in response to my question.  One some level, I've always known that my spiritual goal is to teach others, to be a source of information and knowledge that others can utilize.  I think I am a good teacher when I feel I've got a command of the topic.  Which is also what holds me back because if I don't feel that I have some sort of mastery in that topic area, I don't feel as if I have the right to teach it to others.  Especially when it comes to spiritual matters.

I also have a bit of resistance to anyone setting themselves up as any sort of spiritual authority.  Even the idea of paid Pagan clergy sends shivers down my spine.  It's not that I don't appreciate the hard work and dedication that many Pagan leaders feel towards the community.  However I think the minute some people are singled out as "paid clergy" it creates a hierarchy that can send Paganism down the path towards doctrinism and orthodoxy that other organized religions now exhibit.  That is not something I want to see happen in Paganism.  

However that is a side issue and matter of my personal opinion.  What is important is for me to focus on this spiritual goal.  What kind of spiritual teacher do I want to be?  What is the difference between a spiritual teacher and a spiritual leader?  If I decide I want to be a spiritual teacher then what is the best way to achieve this goal?  What could I teach and how?  Who would I want to teach?  I can see I'll be spending some time considering this matter further.  It requires more than just cursory or desultory consideration.

The Wheel of Fortune represents the cycles of life, the seasons of the year.  It is the 10th Major Arcana card.  When it appears in a reading it often indicates a major change in circumstances brought about by outside influences.  This card suggests that an understanding of life's cycles and a willing to accept changes may be beneficial.  The Wheel of Fortune reinforces the idea that sometimes things happen as part of the natural cycle of life.  This card represents major changes in one's life, a life altering shift.  

"Positive:  Everything possible has been done, by you or by others, to set things in motion, so you need not push yourself any harder.  Simply relax and wait to see what the Universe sends in response.
Upright:  You've set events in motion in a concrete, observable way.  You have actually sent a letter, called someone, or made travel reservations.  You've done something in the real world, to get things started." - Gail Fairfield

This is the second time this month I've drawn this card.  Obviously I need to hear and heed its message.  And I think in response to this question it's telling me to trust the proces and trust the natural cycle of things.  Right now things are tough and the job market is difficult.  However this will eventually turn and improve.  I just have to create a strategy for riding out the changes and know that things will get better over time.  Of course it's ironic that someone who has traditionally been so resistant to change is now waiting for it.

I found the Victorian Romantic Wheel of Fortune to be an interesting take on this card.  A very noble looking personage is offering a crown to a young man who appears to be of a low rank.  It reminds me a bit of legends of the boy of a royal house who is raised in obscurity, unaware of his destiny.  Then one day someone appears and tells him his true heritage and offers him the symbols that confirm his right to rule.  I would imagine that being offered a kingdom would be something life changing.  It would be a dramatic shift from being a poor, obscure peasant to becoming the ruler of a kingdom.  The shifts one would have to make in one's life and one's mindset are almost mind-boggling.

I've always enjoyed looking at historical parallels with what we are currently experiencing.  This might not be as bad as the Great Depression of the 30s but much of that is due to the fact that the government has been more aggressive in ensuring that some of the failings of the 30s don't happen again.  However it is frightening to realize that we haven't really learned the lessons of that time in a way that will allow us to prevent such situations.  This country's laissez faire approach to business has caused a lot of pain and devastation in the past.  Unless we learn how to fix it, it's likely it will happen again.

Of course the reality is that I obviously need to trust that change will eventually work in my favor, even if I don't initially see the benefits.  That doesn't mean I will ever embrace all the changes in my life.  No matter how much people try to convince me that gentrification is better, I miss the unique, quirkiness that used to dominate my neighbhorhood.  Now it has a uniformly hip and trendy vibe that makes it no different from many other places in Manhattan.  However there are changes I immensely enjoy and appreciate such as some technological advances.  Otherwise how could I beam these wonderfully insightful and inspired words out there for any and all to enjoy?

Kings are associated with control, mastery, discipline and resolve.  Cups represent emotions, love, pleasures in life; matters pertaining to the unconscious, intuition and the inner planes, and the element of water.  The King of Cups is both a romantic, loving person who does not let his emotions lead him down the wrong path.  He has enough life experience to know that while he desires love and pleasure in life sometimes that can lead to unhealthy choices.  

"An emotion has run its course and is no longer operative in your life.  This could mean that a relationship is ending.  This old pattern has become a habit that is no longer meaningful or satisfying.  Nothing can be done now to retain or reclaim the vigor of the original feelings.  You need to make some real or symbolic gesture that shows you're reached a point of closure or completion around this feeling or relationship.  You may need to fully experience your grief and mourn its passing." - Gail Fairfield.

My first response upon seeing this question is that there is not sorrow unexpressed within me.  Then I drew the King of Cups and realized in some ways it was supporting my reaction because this is often seen as a card of the healer or counselor.  So whatever this sorrow might have been, the King of Cups suggests that I have already healed or I am in the process of healing from it.  As I've become more comfortable and at ease with my Cups nature, I have also learned to heal from certain resentments, pains and hurts that I've carried for longer than I realized.  

On a deeper level I think the King of Cups is also trying to remind me that at one time I wanted to be a healer.  I earned a MA in psychology many years ago.  My first job after graduating was as a therapeutic recreation specialist, although in effect I functioned as the guidance counselor in a recreation center.  I really enjoyed that experienced.  It could be very frustrating but I like to think that I helped some of these kids learn some effective tools for dealing with the challenges and difficulties they were experiencing.  However once I got promoted I no longer used those skills on a professional level.

When I first started using Tarot cards I hoped and intended to use some of those counselor skills but over time I've realized that isn't always possible.  I have been very resistant on some level to putting myself out there as a professional Tarot reader.  I'm not sure what the resistance is but it definitely exists.  It's very passive but strong and regardless of what I actually say, my actions speak louder than my words in this case.  And when I have done readings, I've noticed a strong resistance in the querents towards engaging on that level.  Perhaps it's my own resistance being projected back at me.  I get the clients I am ready to work with at this time.  If I'm not ready to work with the cards at a deeper level then why would I want clients who are seeking that type of reading.  I'm coming to realize that if I want to work with clients seeking more counseling-type readings, I have to become comfortable with providing that type of reading.  I have often stated that I'm not a healer but on some level I am and I want to be one.  What I fear is that I'll fail at helping someone heal.  Of course the reality is that within the format of a Tarot reading, if the querent is not ready to heal there is nothing I can do for them.  Perhaps that is where the sorrow lies.

I have known for years that I could never work as a substance abuser counselor because I have often expressed contempt for drug addicts and alcoholics, seeing it as a moral failing or lack of willpower rather than as a disease.  Over time and after watching shows such as Intervention and Celebrity Rehab, I have realized that many substance abusers become helpless in the face of their addiction.  Even if they truly want to break free of their addictive behavior, it is very challenging.  And I understand that part of that is due to the fact that when you have to face the wreckage you've left in your wake from your substance abuse, you have to face the pain you've caused others.  That can be a very difficult reality to face.  It's much easier to lose oneself in the drugs or alcohol rather than deal with the pain and devastation you've caused.  It is probably why so many who complete rehab end up relapsing numerous times.  I don't know if I could work with this population knowing that many are doomed to failure.  That I couldn't heal them.  And that is my arrogance.  If I can't heal them then how am I a healer?  This is a question I need to come to terms with inside myself before I can do anything for anyone else.  And that is my unexpressed sorrow - that I can't heal all those that I wish to help.

Looking at the Osho Zen card, with its keyword of healer, I am struck by how much it resembles a Reiki attunement.  This is something else that I had pursued and let fall by the wayside.  Perhaps that is another aspect of this card's message to me - it's time to actually use those healing skills that I do have instead of letting them atrophy and go to waste.  It might be time to return to daily self-attunements and become more active in Reiki healing circles and eventually pursue my Level II training.