In reviewing the traditional meaning of this card in several books one of the phrases that kept coming up was that of creative energies being stifled or not fully utilized.  I can see where that would apply to this card – it does represent the manifesting of one’s creative endeavors.  I’m not sure if or how that applies to me right now.  But then again I’ve never considered myself a creative person.  And maybe that’s the point.

I can be a very effective student or apprentice (I remember once seeing this card described as the apprentice card and it’s always stuck).  However I often prefer not to be the one leading the way.  In some ways I’m very uncomfortable taking chances.  Even as a child I had no problems competing in an arena in which I knew I had some skill.  But if it was an area in which I was a newbie or still learning, I avoided competing like the plague.  And this has carried over and limited me in my adult life.  I just don’t like playing games I cannot win (and how that is defined is very subject to interpretation).

Of course the greatest irony of al is that teaching makes us better students or as a friend says (or quotes) “we teach what we need to learn”.  And I happen to be a fairly good presenter.  I am engaging, funny (I hope) and informative.  I try not to present information in too academic a manner but I want folks to feel I’m still being a professional.  It’s when it comes to Tarot that I lose my confidence.  That’s the truth of why I haven’t pursued becoming a professional Tarot reader.  I just don’t believe I have the skill, knowledge, whatever to be good.  Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud.  Or as Hermione states in Harry Potter it’s all “books and cleverness”.  And I’m not sure what it will take to move me beyond that.

I’ve actually done a few professional reading gigs – two for a friend at a fund-raiser she organized and one for someone I had met through my website.  I think the parties both went well (the first went better than the second but I don’t think I had anything to do with it – the first fund-raiser went better in general).  But the one on one I did sort of fell flat.  In retrospect I learned a lot from it – setting a time limit, clearly communicating with the querent beforehand, but it still tastes like a failure.  And I absolutely detest failure.  What’s odd is that I’m moving beyond this attitude when it comes to school.  I have accepted that I cannot get As in every class and I don’t need to be perfect.  I’ve just got to do my best.  But when it comes to Tarot readings I’m a bit more paralyzed.

Hopefully I’ll manage to move beyond these fears as time goes on.  But deep down inside I have my doubts.  Sometimes I feel like such a twit.