I drew the King of Pentacles reversed for today. This can often represent being in a security pattern that has become so limited and rigid that it no longer words for me; things that used to make me feel grounded and safe are no longer effective or perhaps no longer necessary; letting go of the old security blanket; very out of touch with my emotions.

How appropriate this is for me right now. I feel very out of touch with my emotions, with my body, with my self. I feel like I’m going through the motions and just waiting until this particular ride is finished so I can move on to something more fun. It’s as if I should be in an upright King of Pentacles position – I’m comfortable in many ways and if my life were viewed by someone else it does seem as if I have it all. I have a wonderful marriage, the freedom to do almost whatever I want and a good job. But I’m just not feeling fulfilled and satisfied. I want more. It’s not about money or having more things. It’s about manifesting more prosperity and abundance in my life. I want to enjoy what I’m doing; to feel a sensual joy at the rays of the sun on my face. I want to focus on smelling the roses and seeing rainbows. But right now all I’m focused on is the negative and unhealthy crap going on at work.

Is there any way I can make this environment healthier for myself? I really don’t know. Can I let go of issues and situations that are tangential to my job and prioritize things so that I’m focused on my tasks and not worrying about everyone else’s? Of course I can. I’ll admit it wouldn’t be easy – I’m a notorious busybody. I have a kneejerk reaction to unfairness and tend to intervene (interfere).

I think the bottom line is that right now I don’t want to make any decisions I might regret later. I have about 2 years to go to finish my MPA and if I can hang on until then I’ll be in a better position as far as employment goes. On the other hand I may be completely burnt out by then. I think I’m going to spend the new few weekends using my time off to create some “alone time” and do some mini-retreat type things. I think this will help me recharge my batteries and get a clearer perspective of things.

I just don’t want to become the type of person who hangs onto a job out of fear. Or one who stays because of some malicious wish (like hoping that I last longer than our current exec). It’s not healthy and it’s not making me any happier. I just want to be happy and fulfilled (and not have to worry about medical coverage). I’ve had this in the past and I’m sure I can find it again. The question will be do I have to leave this agency to achieve this goal?