Some meanings of the Page/Princess of Cups reversed are: taking risks with your psychic abilities; examining hidden or feared emotions; weepy, overly sentimental; going deeper into your meditation or taking action on some intuitive flashes that seem pretty wild; a warning to watch out for emotional outbursts; can signify superficial pursuits; demands for excessive comfort; shallow display of feelings; a façade is erected.

The key to the Page/Princess of Cups reversed seem to be getting in touch with your deeper intuitive nature while being careful not to become overwhelmed by your emotions and losing yourself. It’s also highlights the need to face feared emotions without becoming excessively emotional. This doesn’t sound easy but I think one of the things I’ve found in myself is that I avoided emotional introspection. I was always afraid that if I unleashed all those emotions I could feel seething beneath the surface I would get washed away by them, I would lose myself in the roiling turmoil that always seemed to be waiting just below my conscious mind. So I embraced an attitude of rational and logical thinking. I was also the calm, collected one who would try to calm someone down by pointing out the illogical and flawed thinking they were using. I tried to overcome emotional pain by sticking to a cerebral approach to life.

But this can become very draining after a while. I tried to deny my emotional reactions to various events in life. I tried to become someone whose emotions were under iron control. I wanted to be like Mr. Spock on Star Trek - in total control of my emotional side. As a result I often seemed heartless and unsympathetic to others. They had no idea how difficult it was to maintain this façade. They didn’t realize what it took out of me. They also didn’t understand what would happen if I reduced that control by any amount. It would be like a flash flood.

Or at least that’s what I thought would happen.

In reality I have learned to embrace my emotional side, to celebrate my more watery nature and not to fear it. I have learned how to use it in my life and how to be more willing to express my emotions with those I care about and love. Of course the other side of this is that in releasing my emotions I can no longer lie to myself. When I am unhappy about a situation, I can’t pretend and keep a stiff upper lip. And that is where I am at this juncture.

It is becoming clearer and clearer to me that if I stay at my current job my spirit is forfeit. My heart is not in this work anymore. Well to be fair it is in this work but not as it is manifesting in this agency. The toxic, viperous nature of this place is sucking at my soul. The love I used to feel for this agency and my job is vanishing beneath a wave of nasty, hateful and unfair practices. In an effort to create a “professional, accountable and transparent” agency, they have created a monster. And I’m tired of battling bullshit monsters. There are enough real monsters in the world; we don’t need to add artificial corporate ones to the mix.

But even as I accept the inevitability of this decision, I mourn. I mourn for all my hopes and dreams about creating programs for children that would give them the kind of wonderful memories and experiences I enjoyed as a child. I mourn for all the potential that is wasted and for my hopes to one day be the executive director of this agency. I am no longer willing to play the games necessary to reach those goals. And besides, with each day that passes it becomes more and more unlikely they can be achieved.

So now it’s time for me to find something else that will bring joy to my heart and make me feel fulfilled. I need to pursue another career path that will engage me the way this job used to and I need to find that emotional connection to a cause, a goal that can keep me sustained through the inevitable rough patches.