Gail Fairfield offers this meaning for this card:  "You are deeply committed to acting out your philosophical ideals in your daily lifestyle.  You are so involved with the pattern of your daily routine that everything else seems to recede in importance.  You are completely focused on your intellect, and on using your mind and ideas.  You have a strong desire to express what you think and you are intent on communicating your ideas to others."

This feels very right for me right now.  I have always had a difficult time keeping my opinions to myself, especially when I think I'm right (which is probably less often than I'd like to believe).  But even when I know my opinions won't be popular or appreciated, I find it difficult to be discreet and keep my opinion to myself.  Sometimes it's a case of "see how smart I am" but other times it's because I truly feel that if I don't communicate this information to others I'm not doing my job.  At this point in my agency I am an "old timer" - what a sad thought that is.  And there are occasions when I hear people suggest things we've tried before but they treat it as if it's never been done.  So I want to share what we had tried and any insights about its success or failure.  But sometimes this information is not appreciated.  I guess everyone new generation or administration wants to believe they're the first one to discover this stuff.

But for myself, I realize that if I don't speak my truth I feel as if I'm suffocating.  Lately I've been feeling that way a lot.  And yet with each day that passes I force myself to be more and more silent.  Truth (or at least my version of it) is not appreciated at this agency.  And to be completely fair, there is no objective way of verifying that my truth is "the" truth.  It's entirely possible that I've completely wrong and that my time at this agency has passed.  Where once I was considered a "rising star" now I am an old-timer.  And I watch the rising stars with some envy and some disappointment.  Envy because I wish I were still a rising star and disappointment because I see the mess that is being made in this place. 

It's also ironic that the while I am trying to communicate my ideas I am being slowly, deliberately overlooked.  My philosophical ideals don't really matter here.  I feel like a fading star.  I am more known because of the length of my tenure than because of any of my accomplishments.  And I'm tired of it.  I still have the energy, drive and desire to charge forward and try to change the world.  I still have juice left but this agency is making me feel dried up and useless.  I have always been an intellectual creature, focused on my mind above all else.  And that has brought me any benefits.  But now I want to explore new terrain and conquer new territory.  It's time to ride on down the road.

The figure on the Templar Tarot is Huges de Payens, a co-founder of the Templar Knights.  He was a man of courage and conviction who chose to act when he heard that pilgrims traveling to the Holy Land were victims of "infidels".  He got the blessing of the Pope and with the assistance of Bernard of Clairvaux created a code of conduct for the knights to follow.  Despite their later destruction and the ruination of their reputation, the Templar Knights were started with honor and integrity.  And that is that way I want to live my life.  But the way things stand right now at this agency, that is becoming more and more difficult, if not impossible.