Wands are associated with the element of fire as well as with inspiration, energy, intuition and creative imagination.  This suit often reveals something you "need to light a fire under".  The number 5 represents that added something that brings the situation out of balance again.  It represents the struggle and challenge of inner and outer growth.  This card can represent inspired chaos and freeing your expression and energy.  This card can represent strife or struggling against ourselves and against the inevitable.  This card can symbolize being challenge to adapt and grow; adjusting the way you present yourself to others.  It could indicate that you are experiencing an identity crisis or getting feedback from the environment that challenges you reconsider the role you're playing and make some adjustments to it.

How ironic that I drew this card on this day.  Today is Veterans Day in the US, the day when we honor and remember those who have defended this country by serving in the military.  The date itself was selected because November 11th at 11:00AM is when the armistice was signed ending World War I.  How unfortunate that we have had another World War, the Korean "conflict", the Vietnam War, the Kuwait/Iraq war, the current Iraq war and on and on.  Maybe if we focused on the outcomes of these conflicts instead of the ego and bullshit that leads to them we could avoid them.  Even the winners lose - they lose loved ones.  Does it really matter if the war is won when the reality is that the winners often come back in worse shape than the "losers".  Even if the "winner" tries to help the "loser" out after the fact, the damage has been done.  The 5 of Wands fits into this concept because it is about struggling - to grow, to expand, to emerge victorious.  Even when a war must be fought (such as stopping Hitler), that doesn't change the damage it causes. 

The 5 of Wands is sometimes portrayed as a struggle but more of a play struggle than an actual one.  It's almost as though the image on the card is portraying a practice fight, as if the warriors are learning with less dangerous sticks before moving on to swords or guns.  I think this quite nicely sums up some of the struggles I've been dealing with in my own life.  I'm struggling against being in a rut.  There is a great book by Norton Juster and cartoon based on it about a boy named Milo who is bored.  In one scene he gets stuck in the doldrums and almost loses himself.  That's how I feel - no matter how much I struggle I can't break free.  Maybe the secret is the keyword on the Healing Tarot - collaboration.  Maybe part of the reason I'm struggling so hard is that I think I have to do everything on my own.  Maybe I need to start networking, reaching out to people I know and think I can trust to help me explore other potential employment opportunities (geez, doesn't that sound good). 

I think what I'm struggling against the most is my love for this agency and what it has meant to me and my desire to feel enthusiastic and passionate about my work.  I don't feel that anymore.  I'm not really excelling, I'm maintaining.  I don't want to be a "phone it in" type of employee.  It's not fair to me or the agency.  And if I really can't adapt to this new regime (even if I'm right about what they're doing wrong), then it's up to me to get the hell out of there.  I can't do that by sitting on my hands.  I think once upon a time my struggles at work were the 5 of Wands type - friendly competition that helped me keep my skills tuned and sharp.  Now there's a bitterness creeping into things.  I keep saying it and I really mean it - I do not want to become one of those old, disgruntled employees who just stays at the same place because they can't figure out what else to do.  I WILL NOT become that person.  I am better than that and I deserve better than that.  And if my conflict and struggles are to get my self-doubts and self-deprecating attitude out of the way then so be it.  I can handle that struggle.  I don't think it will be easy (that inner critic can have quite a loud voice and my inner procrastinator is equally strong) but I am confident that I can emerge victorious.