"After taking some personal risks, you may be feeling the need to put intense energy into being with yourself and discovering your self.  You're so committed to your own growth and direction that you may be unaware of the rest of the world.  You may be strongly introverted now, or you may be exploring a part of your personality in a secret or hidden manner." Gail Fairfield

Considering yesterdays revelations about The Empress, I think I'm becoming more comfortable taking a lot of risks in my life.  Maybe not ones that will affect my outer life but certainly ones that will affect my inner life.  I am starting to challenge myself, my long held attitudes and behaviors.  I think I getting tired of doing the same old thing simply because that's how I've always been.  It's a childish refrain that I still hear myself repeat "but I've always been this way".  As though I stopped developing at 13.

The Knight of Wands is going to take me into uncharted territory - into my own psyche, my innermost soul.  Am I ready for that?  I have no clue.  But I am getting a strong sense that if I don't do this I'll retard my own growth.  Looking back over the month of November I drew a Major Arcana card 15 times.  That is a statically significant number but what does it mean.  I think that is the Universe's way of telling me I need to make adjustments in order to proceed forward.  If I want to make changes in my life on an external level then I need to start working on an internal level first and that is where the Knight of Wands can help me.  

His reversed nature is about blockages to some degree - the blockages that have been preventing me from moving forwards; the past experiences that created the defense mechanisms that I still use.  But those defenses are no longer useful because many of the situations that created them no longer exist.  It's like keeping a loaded machine gun handy even after the war has ended.  There is no longer a useful purpose for many of these defenses.  But I am not ready to simple lay down my arms and move forward without any protection.  I'm not that naive or that brave.  

So where will this brave and dashing knight lead me?  Will I be able to follow him or will I retreat in fear?  Will he teach me to be as brave and daring as he?  I really don't know yet.  What I do know is that I'm ready for some changes.  I'm looking for some challenges and want to take some risks.  The risky proposition I can think of is looking at my entrenched attitudes and behaviors and trying to change or modify them.

On the Legend Knight of Wands rides Bedivere, one of King Arthur's earliest and most loyal followers.  He stayed with Arthur after the battle at Camlann and returns Excalibur to the Lady of the Lake.  He is faithful and reliable but still has his own opinions and beliefs.  Maybe the example of Sir Bedivere can help me learn to keep faith with myself; to follow through on something because it is the right thing to do, not necessarily because I believe it.

Once again this all comes back to my health.  I know what I need to do but don't do it or don't really want to do it.  Where does the resistance lie?  I'm not sure and sometimes I don't think I care.  I just want to overcome it.  I think maybe this weekend I'll do a guided visualization using the Knight of Wands and see where he takes me.  Who knows what I'll find.