"Defeat, slander, cowardice, unethical behavior; divisive means; thwarted plans; sloppy or malicious thinking causes things to go awry" - Caitlin & John Matthews

Your lifestyle is being challenged or changed.  You are aware of the limitations of a given philosophy as you act it out in your daily life.  Your communication patterns may be in flux as a result of feedback from others.  You could be adjusting (editing) something you've written or said.

The number 5 represents that added something that brings the situation out of balance again.  It represents the struggle and challenge of inner and outer growth.  The suit of Swords is associated with  reason, thought, logic, will, courage, verbal skill, matters pertaining to the mind, communication and the element of air.  This is a card of struggle, of dealing with intellectual cruelty and taunts.  

My sister came to visit with the kids today (affectionately known as the Demon Spawn).  We actually had a pretty good time.  I seemed to spend a lot of it chatting with the kids about zombie movies and computer games.  I'm actually pretty surprised that TJ doesn't read more.  Oh well, I guess that's the way things are with this generation.

But my sister and I had a conversation later on that brought to mind the 5 of Swords.  We were talking about our self-perceptions when we were younger.  Neither of us felt attractive or worthwhile.  I felt fat and ugly but when I look at photos of myself at that age I wonder why I felt that way.  I might not have won a beauty prize but I was attractive and I wasn't fat.  I just wasn't built like my friends.  And yet I remember "friends" implying that I was fat and boys teasing me for being heavy.  I wasted so much time feeling unattractive and hanging my "worthiness" on whether I could attract a boy.  The few times I liked a boy when I was younger it always turned out he either liked someone else or only liked me as a friend.  

I think the reality is that boys were as confused and insecure as I was and I might have intimidated them.  I could be very ingressive both physically and intellectually.  I saw no reason to play dumb.  And if I guy hit me or snapped my bra strap I punched him.  Looking back I realize that's probably not the best way to attract a boy.  But on the bright side it's exactly that attitude that attracted my husband.  So in the long run it was definitely worth it.

Looking at the Golden Rider 5 of Swords what struck me is that for too long I was like the figure in the background - dejected and letting someone else take away something that was rightfully mine - my self-confidence.  Now I've reached a point where I'm more like the figure in the foreground.  I'm reclaiming my self-worth and confidence.  I believe in myself and don't need to be validated by anyone else.  I might still value others opinions but I don't live my life by them.  And that is a huge change for me.  The image of a hut burning on the Hallowquest Sword Five brought to mind a need to burn down that shack of low self-esteem.  I need to get rid of that outdated, useless edifice so I can build something better, more durable and more beautiful.  Now all I need to do is help my sister reach that same point.

I never realized until recently how fragile her ego is.  In many ways I'm a lot stronger than she is.  I might have been hurt by others opinions that I was unattractive or bitchy or whatever, but I never felt the need to change myself so I would fit in with them.  If anything I would drop them by the wayside and just keep on moving.  My sister was always malleable.  My youngest brother is the same way.  They're both crowd pleasers doing whatever it takes to fit in and have a lot of "friends".  My attitude has always been that true friends like me as I am.  I'm not perfect.  Sometimes I'm tacky, insensitive or way too opinionated.  But then again no one is perfect and a true friends loves you despite your foibles and failings.  I don't think my sister ever truly believed that.  She also felt that if she didn't fit in then no one would like her.  And she's genuinely a good person.  She worries about other people.  She has a good sense of humor and she can be very generous with her time.  It's so ironic that growing up I envied her because she had red hair (I always wanted red hair) and people always thought she was cute.  She was also more athletic than I was.  Of course I have since learned that she envied me too.  How much time we wasted being jealous of each other instead of appreciating each other's gifts.  But at least we're getting there now.