Wands are associated with the element of fire as well as with inspiration, energy, intuition and creative imagination.  This suit often reveals something you "need to light a fire under".  The number 5 represents that added something that brings the situation out of balance again.  It represents the struggle and challenge of inner and outer growth.  This card can represent inspired chaos and freeing your expression and energy.  Challenging yourself to adapt and change; pushing yourself to adjust your self-image until it feels more positive or appropriate.  You might be experiencing self-doubt.  Whatever the worlds sees, you know you are changing yourself.

The main thing I'm struggling with today is my health.  I feel sick as the proverbial dog.  My head is congested, my bones are achy and I feel like a truck ran over me.  If I didn't know better I'd swear my hubby was beating me up while I slept.  

The other stuff I'm struggling with is work related.  I'm still a little frustrated about certain things.  I've at least gotten clarity about some of what I should be handling.  But there are still one or two things that are gray areas - and I just hate gray areas.  In addition to that I need to just get my own crap together.  I'm still behind at work.  I know I'm not the best with paperwork (sometimes) but I just seem to be in reverse on this.  It shouldn't take me long to finish it and yet I'm procrastinating.   I think I'm just finding it boring.  And as my husband pointed out today - nothing good comes from a bored Debbie.

I think that's the key for me today - I am creating situations that are causing me to struggle and for no good reason.  How do I serve myself by doing this?  I don't.  Intellectually I know this but it's as if I can't help myself.  Looking at the cards I see that clearly demonstrated in the Arcus 5 of Wands - the figures look like they are struggling but is it serious?  It reminds me of a hockey game.  They are focus and intent but at the end of the day it's all a game and no major life changing events will be likely to result from its resolution.  And I guess at the end of the day that's true in this situation too.  No matter how much I put this off, all I'm doing is creating an unnecessary struggle for myself.  It's pointless, unproductive and not very useful.  

I need to find something in my job about which I can be enthusiastic and passionate.  I really do think that training people is something I do well.   I might not be the best candidate to create curricula but I can certainly implement it.  I feel like I'm struggling against shadows, wisps of unreality.  It's as though I am becoming my own worst enemy, engaged in a struggle that won't end.  I need to work on getting out of this funk.  It's not helping me and in the long run it will hurt me.  If I'm not productive then I'm sure I'll be invited to "resign".  Maybe on some level that's why I'm trying to do - force the issue without actually quitting.  I do have a tendency to do that.  I know my patterns and I think it's time to examine them more closely.  Otherwise I'm undermining myself and creating a worse situation.