Swords are associated with reason, thought, logic, will, courage, verbal skill, matters pertaining to the mind and survival in the world and the element of air. Knights represent pure energy, focused and active, protection, strength, ambition and questing. This is the warrior knight, the Templar knight, who fought for ideals and beliefs. He is a fierce fighter but is cautious to plan well before he enters battle. He prefers strategy over bloodshed. He represents courage and youthful energy. I see this card as representing you - youthful, energetic, full of confidence but also intelligent and able to communicate well - someone who can slay dragons if necessary. Being deeply committed to acting out your philosophical ideals in your daily lifestyle; getting so caught up in your daily routine that everything else recedes in importance; being completely focused on your intellect and using mind and ideas; having a strong desire to express what you think and being intent on communicating those ideas to others. I have to say, today I feel like taking up that sword the knight is holding and just slashing my way through a few folks here. Of course that is neither productive nor helpful but thinking about it is giving me some short-term pleasure. Maybe I'm too idealistic about this work or better said, maybe I'm too idealistic to stay at this place. I need to believe in what I do and where I work. I no longer have any faith in this agency. We have become a bottom-line money-focused agency. I realize the economy is bad and things are tough all over but we seem to be cutting services just when they are most needed. There has to be a better way to get ourselves out there, to market what we do and promote our mission as one that is still valuable and needs to be supported. Instead we are starting to bottom-line everything. If a program doesn't have the kind of attendance we demand, we close it. If a center is not attracting the enrollment we want, we get rid of it. I can understand being more focused and targeted in the types of services we offer - we can't be all things to all people. Staff is basically being asked to prove their worth. In theory I understand this approach but in practice it results in a bunch of folks who are good at marketing themselves getting recognition while those that toil away quietly and just do their job are seen as slugs. It’s crazy because it promotes style over substance. We once had a manager here who used to tell his staff that what you did was not as important as what your supervisor believed that you did. I always thought this was completely nuts, but I’m starting to see that it is more accurate than I wanted to believe. I keep trying to convince myself that things will get better. My natural stubbornness and resistance to change have combined to keep me in a place that is probably not healthy for me anymore. I’m bored half the time and as my husband noted “a bored Debbie is not a good thing”. I don’t want to be bored. I want to feel valued, appreciated, useful and excited. I want to be inspired by the place I work and the people with whom I work. That’s just not have I feel most of the time. There are exceptions. I love when I’m facilitating a training workshop and everything just clicks - the staff are paying attention and participating and I get my rhythm. Other times I’m just going through the motions. I don’t want to do that anymore and I’m getting tired of moaning about it. I know that I have an emotional connection to this agency that is strong, but I’ve got to break free. It’s like being in a abusive relationship, which is something I wouldn’t tolerate in my personal life so why am I tolerating it here?