The number nine is the number of the wisdom of the Moon.  It is also a mathematically magical number - its square root is three and the sum of any number multiplied by nine equals nine when added together (e.g.. 9 x 8 = 72, 7 + 2 = 9).  Nines also represent attainment, integration, completion and bringing things to an end.  Nines are about the natural flow of things and things proceeding smoothly.  Swords represent the growth of the conscious mind; developing our thoughts, ideas and system of beliefs.  Swords are about acting on our philosophy of life.  The suit of Swords is associated with reason, thought, logic, will, courage, verbal skill, matters pertaining to the mind, communication and the element of air. 

Completion and attainment; integration and endings - all of these seem to be recurring themes in my life lately.  Most of it revolves around my job and the tensions flourishing there.  Or at least that what I would say if asked this by someone else.  However, I'm trying to be honest at least with myself and I realize that what this is really telling me is that the only reason I'm still here is my own fears, self-doubts and stubborn laziness.  I've seen the writing on this wall for some time now, but like someone in an abusive relationship, I kept hoping things would get better.  I would brood over the situation and worry myself.  I kept creating fantasies in my head that things would get better and they didn't.

It's interesting but when I look at the two cards from the different decks I get a similar sense but addressing different aspects.  On the Arcus Arcanum card there is a woman walking away from a musclely man holding a sword.  She seems to be upset, perhaps even crying.  8 additional swords adorn the wall in front of her.  I wondered why she is upset.  Maybe this is an abusive relationship and she can't see to free herself from the nightmare; to wake up and face the new possibilities that exist.  On the Dark Grimoire card a man looks into the mirror and seems horrified by the frighteningly altered visage that greets him.  Is this real or is it a nightmare?  Can he change this situation or is he doomed forever to wear this face?

I don't know the answers to either question but I can certainly sympathize with both characters.  I have spent so much time looking at myself and finding me wanting.  I might not be a monster but I've often suffered from self-doubts, especially as it pertains to work.  I think on some level I've always doubted that I deserved the promotions and praise I've gotten.  I always felt like a fraud and feared others would see it.  This kind of attitude makes it very difficult to interview for jobs because on some level you always sabotage yourself.  I'm not sure i really deserve it so I end up providing answers that are just not reflective of my true skill and experience and leave the interviewer unimpressed.  This in turn reinforces my belief that I'm not really employable.  It's a vicious cycle and it serves no useful purpose.  The bottom line is that I do have skills and I am employable.  I might not be the best fit at every agency I apply but I'm certain I can find a good fit and a job that I will enjoy.  Naturally that doesn't mean I'm in any rush, but I definitely need to begin the process.  Otherwise this situation will become a nightmare from which I cannot awake.  And who the hell needs that?!