"After taking some personal risks, you may be feeling the need to put intense energy into being with yourself and discovering your self.  You're so committed to your own growth and direction that you may be unaware of the rest of the world.  You may be strongly introverted now, or you may be exploring a part of your personality in a secret or hidden manner." Gail Fairfield

Knights symbolize protection, strength, ambition and questing.  Fire is associated with inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the "spark of life", and the element of fire.  Typically this card refers to someone who is energetic and enthusiastic about life, heedlessly charging ahead in search of adventure and excitement.  The Knight of Wands can either represent qualities you possess or someone else in your life who possesses these qualities. 

Energy, what I wouldn't give for some energy right now.  I feel like I should be doing something but I have no idea what.  I feel so stuck in a rut and I can't break free.  It's frustrating and aggravating.  I'm also getting annoyed with myself because I know I need to make changes but my desire for stability is at war with my desire to move forth and conquer.  I think that's part of the biggest problem I'm having.  I love challenges (well good challenges anyway).  I don't mind struggling and working hard as long as I can see a goal ahead.  Right now that isn't what's happening.  I just don't have a clear vision of how I fit into this agency anymore.  Well that's not entirely accurate - I know what vision I have for myself but it doesn't seem to fit the agency's vision.  It's that lack of clarity that is driving me crazy.  Ambiguity is just not comfortable for me.  It's the reason I will often push an issue until it results in a argument because at least then I know where I stand and clear the air.  In this situation I can't do that.  Well okay, maybe I'm afraid to do it.

One of the things I've been seriously considering lately is selling Avon.  I actually like Avon products.  I thought it might be a fun an helpful way to make additional money if I get laid off.  I don't think I have the time and energy to devote to it while I'm working, but it might be a good fallback plan.  I also know that if I don't find a way to re-energize myself, things are only going to get worse.  I really hate when I know what I need to do but just don't do it.  It's probably one of my least beneficial traits.  I become frustrated and aggravated by never seem to manage to do anything about it.

I suppose it's an issue of fear as much as anything else.  Better the devil you know that the devil you don't know.  I may have moments of being dissatisfied and unhappy with my work, but there are also days when I feel very gratified.  My current job also have the benefit of familiarity.  I know the people (well most of them anyway) and I usually know how things are done.  There is a comfort in familiarity, a sense of security.  I need that security.  What I also need to consider is whether that security is an illusion.

I'm not proud of myself, but I do admit that I have accepted that unless something dramatic happens, I'll probably not leave this agency.  I have too much of myself invested in it.  It really is part of me.  If I'm going to be one of the personnel laid off (and it is a possibility) then I hope it happens soon so I'm able to move on.  I'll probably be devastated for a while but I will eventually pick myself up and move forward.  It's in my nature (at least I like to believe it is).  I guess I'll know what's going on soon enough.