The number 3 symbolizes the generative force, creative power, multiplicity, and forward movement.  They are about planning and preparing, putting the details into place before beginning the work.  Wands are usually associated with the element of fire, inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the "spark of life".  They can refer to the growth and awareness of the self.  Wands are focused on discovering your true self, apart from others. 

"You are seeing yourself in a detailed and complete manner.  You are clarifying your self-image and sense of personal direction.  You are making plans for becoming the self you privately want to be." - Gail Fairfield

I think what I spent most of today doing is focusing on what I do not want to be.  After yet another family party during which I managed to make a complete jackass of myself, I have been castigating myself and reevaluating my behaviors.  I have come to realize that no matter how much fun I have drinking or how much I may like the taste of some drinks, the negative repercussions are just not worth it.  A few hours of relaxation and conviviality turns into days of self-reproach, especially when I'm not certain exactly what I said or did.  This is the last straw.  I do not want to be that person who is avoided by everyone at a party because she is a drunken, crushing, annoying bore.  Despite the fact that I consider myself a rather bon vivant, charming variation of Auntie Mame, the reality is that I can sometimes become very rude and obnoxious (well that's not limited to occasions when I drink but it certainly doesn't help the situation).  The sad fact is that I had no intention of getting stewed but I didn't eat before I had a drink and the sangria was very tasty and went down much to smoothly for my state of mind.  I'm sure there are hundreds of reasons why it happened but the bottom line is that I do not want it to happen again.

As a result of this embarrassing fiasco, I have realized that despite a lifetime of good works or good behavior (not that I'm laying claim to either), all it takes is one incident like this to tarnish your reputation.  Any of the folks who were lucky enough to witness my moment of complete jackassery will probably remember it long after they have forgotten other situations where I was nice, funny, etc.  Why the hell would I want to put myself in that situation again?  The reality is that I don't.  I'm tired of sobering up and feeling shame (not that it happens all that often but even once a year is too much for me now).  I realize that I'm a bit slow sometimes but I think I've finally learned that lesson.

On a more positive note, I have been giving serious consideration to my job search.  I realize that I do not want to apply for jobs simply to have a job.  I really want to find something that I enjoy doing and look forward to every day.  I am tired of just dragging myself into work for a paycheck.  So I'm trying to determine what I enjoy and what I am good at doing.  The first answers that popped into my head are training and staff development.  I actually enjoy facilitating workshops for others.  I enjoy teaching training sessions that people actually learn from attending.  I also handle crisis situations fairly well.  I may rant and grumble and curse to myself (or those in my immediate area who work with me) but I'm pretty good at keeping it together.  Despite my occasional lapses into humor, I think I manage to maintain a professional demeanor and keep things moving. 

It would also be very easy for me to work for an agency that champions a cause about which I am passionate - child abuse, domestic violence, healthier eating.  I would be willing to try any position as long as the salary allowed me enough money to live on.  It may not be all about the money, but salary would have to be a consideration.

So the 3 of Wands R was right - today was a day for deciding who I want to be (and what I don't want to be).  Despite the agonizing over my misdeeds, I think it has helped me become a bit more focused and driven.  Now I just have to hope it drives me someplace I really want to go.