The number nine is the number of the wisdom of the Moon.  It is also a mathematically magical number - its square root is three and the sum of any number multiplied by nine equals nine when added together (e.g.. 9 x 8 = 72, 7 + 2 = 9).  Nines can represent struggle, attainment, and having the end in sight.  Wands are associated with inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the "spark of life", and the element of fire.  This card often represents having gone through a difficult struggle or battle.  

"This is a more internalized flow.  You're not locked into one self-image.  You can see yourself in a variety of ways without losing a sense of integration or unity.  You're experiencing yourself as a person who's flexible and growing." - Gail Fairfield

Looking at these cards the first thing that struck me is that, when its reversed, the Vampire 9 of Staves looks like a pile of wooden stakes are about to fall down upon the vampire.  He's also surrounded by a corona of flames.  Neither of these are especially healthy for vampires.  Of course they wouldn't be especially healthy for a regular human either.  The thing I find ironic about vampires, werewolves and other cursed or undead creatures is that what kills them kills us too.  The difference is that there are more things that can kill us to which they are impervious.  Of course that can also be attractive to us regular folks - being immortal or indestructible.  During the course of an average day how many of us wish we had the power to transform ourselves into something that is resistant to whatever our fellow humans can throw at us?  Or perhaps you wish you had the power to influence the behaviors of others in a way that would make your life easier and more pleasant.

I too have toyed with the idea of wishing I could make others do what I want, for their own good of course.  I'd be a benevolent despot I'm sure.  Then again I'm sure lots of despots started out thinking they knew best and had benevolent intentions and look where that usually gets us.  On the other hand, the thing about vampires, werewolves, zombies and their ilk that we seem to ignore is that they are outsiders in our world.  Yes they may be able to offer us seemingly attractive gifts such as immortality or invincibility, but at what cost?  I don't know if I could give up being able to see the sun again.  And the idea of having no control over my body and soul when the moon is full just doesn't sound pleasant.  And the whole rotting and decaying thing that goes on with zombies is rather unappealing - not to mention the eating the living stuff.

Vampires, werewolves and other undead or cursed critters do offer one thing - they too are outsiders.  How often have I entered a room and immediately felt like an outsider because everyone else seems to know each other.  Anyone who has met me might find this hard to believe but I am fairly shy and introverted.  I am always afraid people won't like me or won't understand me.  So my armor is a somewhat larger-than-life personality full of bawdy comments and self-deprecating jokes.  I have learned to deal with my inner shyness by taking the bull by the horns and taking an assertive approach to it. That doesn't mean there aren't times when I feel very alone and excluding while in a roomful of people.  In fact I remember attending a Tarot conference once in Chicago and roaming the halls seeking companionship.  I didn't know where anyone was hanging our or room numbers.  I ended up returning to my room and falling asleep to Silence of the Lambs.  As I roamed the halls seeking companionship I had this feeling that everyone on the other sides of those doors was having a party and I hadn't been invited.  It was a very lonely and isolating sensation.  It reinforced my tendency to feel like an outsider.  I really didn't know most of these people that well and I figured I had said or done something to make them dislike me.  Of course the reality is that there were many people in the same boat I was and we just didn't recognize each other and some folks were just catching up with dear friends they only got to see once a year.  It was my perception of the situation that created my sense of isolation, not anyone else's actions.

As a result of this experience, I often try to connect with people I don't know and who seem a bit overwhelmed or lost at any conferences or conventions I attend.  I don't want to make it sound like I'm an altruistic saint or anything; it's just that I hated that feeling and decided that if I can alleviate that sense of outsiderness in others I should.  

Of course in the interests of full disclosure I should also admit that there are times when I embrace and revel in my outisderdom.  I don't always want to be part of the in-crowd or pack.  I want to be unique, quirky and eccentric.  Sometimes that means that I am misunderstood and seen as an outsider.  Usually when people get to know me they realize and accept this about me but it can also be somewhat off-putting at first (and second and even third).  Sometimes I just don't understand people's motivations because they are so far from my own that they seem quite alien.  I remember the first time I had that puzzled and befuddled "but why" reaction to something.  I was young and in school and I think I was being told to give a toy of mine to my younger brother because he wanted to play with it.  Needless to say he destroyed it which didn't reinforce any tendencies I might have had towards sharing but I was puzzled why my parents would force me to do such a thing.  As an adult there are a lot of things that puzzle me and reinforce my outisderness.  I admit it - I do not understand what people see in Seinfeld and Sex & the City.  I think both of them are ridiculous shows filled with caricatures.  The fact that both are set in my hometown and send a rather negative, shallow and annoying image of New Yorkers to the rest of the world doesn't help either.  I've never understood the desire to have children.  It's something I've never experienced.  Even as a child I disliked baby dolls.  The whole concept of diplomacy and the "little white lie" tend to garner a "huh, but why" reaction in me.  I am usually a firm believer in telling the truth or at least my version of it.  My mother likes to say I use the truth as a weapon, which is a fair assessment sometimes.  It's not that I want to hurt anyone, I usually believe it's better for them to hear the truth.  I just have no ability to sugar-coat that truth.

Ultimately where this all winds up is that I accept and acknowledge my outsider status and know that I am often misunderstood.  Sometimes this can be quite destructive and harmful to me.  I'm sure I have ended up losing potential friends because my "out-there" personality was too overwhelming or harsh for them.  That is the price I end up paying.  Sometimes it leaves me feeling sad and alone and even more like an outsider.  But ultimately I realize that it's also the only way I can be true to myself.  I may need to learn to be a bit more diplomatic and less judgmental and harsh but I'll never go along with the crowd simply to have friends.  It's just not in my nature.