Pages symbolize messengers, youth, innocence, opportunities for change, new possibilities, new growth, new experiences, acquisition of knowledge and expression of new emotions, risk-taking, grace, and art.  Pentacles are associated with the material world, acquisitions of wealth and possessions, our connection to Earth and Nature, sensation, matters pertaining to the physical plane and the element of earth.  Pentacles can also be connected with practicality, groundedness and being realistic.  Sometimes this card is referred to as the "student" card.  

"You are making a renewed commitment to a security base that seemed on the brink of stagnation; putting more physical energy, resources or money into potential risky projects that you have faith will work out.  There is an awareness that re-investing in something that has passed its peak but have a sense of confidence that it's worth a try.  You are taking some calculated risks with physical things that represent material security for you.  You're going for the Olympics instead of settling for a "high school star"." - Gail Fairfield

As soon as I saw Airmid (Lady of Knowledge in the Celtic Wisdom Tarot), I had to smile.  I have always felt a connection to this Irish healer Goddess.  Her story is one of dedication and determination.  After her father kills her brother, she buries his body and is surprised to see herbs growing from the grave.  Each herb grows over the part of his body that they most effectively heal.  When her father scatters the herbs all over, disrupting the pattern, Airmid dedicates herself to trying to remember their positions and use the herbs to heal members of her clan.

That kind of dedication and focus is something that would be very helpful in my life right now.  All month, hell for the last several months, I've had a feeling of being scattered and out of focus.  I can't figure out what to do with myself or with my life.  Granted this is not necessarily something new but the situation is really bothering me now.  Last night I started reading Barbara Sher's I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was.  One of her exercises stopped me dead in my tracks.  She suggests trying to recall the messages we got over the years, especially as children, from the adults in our life - i.e. parents, grandparents, teachers, etc.  The goal is to determine what messages might be holding us back or keeping us in jobs that are unfulfilling or unsatisfying.  As I worked on this exercise I realized that I didn't have any.  I can only remember three messages that I got from the adults in my life.  Mom just wanted me to not piss off my father.  My father just wanted me to be smart and do well in school.  My maternal grandmother just wanted me to not be like my father.  Not a whole lot of career guidance in those messages.  

On some level the adults in my life were supportive and encouraging but didn't provide a lot of guidance.  They just all seemed to feel that if I did well in school I'd be able to do whatever I wanted.  The problem is that other than a phase when I wanted to be Oscar Madison (of course the irony is that I really don't like watching most professional sports), I never really had the urge to be anything specific.  I wanted to be a writer for a while but I don't know if that was a real dream but if so, it was knocked right out of me during my first college level English writing course.  

Maybe like Airmid, I need to dig around in the dirt a bit to find the roots of this issue.  I need to become determined and tenacious and start to re-learn things about myself that I've forgotten.  If I want to heal this issue in my self then I need to focus on its cause.  I have the tools but I need to learn how to apply them in a way that will be most beneficial to me.  It's time to re-educate myself about myself.